HiJung's blog

Want a dream..

 

It was very busy.. messy.. to get house rented, to enroll school and getting approved, preparing for move / and school.
As everything takes complicated procedure with compilcated application form, takes time to be processed.

I got a nose bleeding from time to time. And Seaana as well, as she started the school.

I originally planned to enroll for a public school, but as I visited I changed my mind to the private one, cause
Seaana needs to be in aftercare program to wait for me. Private school fee was really expensive (Seaana was in Private
at Korea as well, but the fee here is 3 times of what I paid at Korea.) but I didn't have choice.

6_Seaana_School

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Later I was informed that this school is one of very good school in Austrailia, and most of kids lives at very big
house (like 3 floors with swimming pool and garden), which makes me in uncomfortable situation sometimes.
But the School is very good, facilities and programs and teachers. Seaana enjoys very much as she ran out from the life
she had in Korea - too much studies and homework - though she has to struggle to make friendship and language.

7_ViolinWorkshop

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Anyway she still shows talent at Violin, and her drawing skill is extremly progressed, though she doesn't get any
lesson for that. One day she asked me to buy a drawing book, and started to make me surprise..

8_Draw_Duck

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Below is my favorite one - Horse. It has really beautiful eyes. It looks like Seaana.

9_Draw_Horse

 

The nature here is beautiful. Air is clean, we can see many stars at night which was not possible at Korea.

We live close to the Bondi Beach (which is one of very famous spot here), I can see this beautiful beach and sky
anytime if I drive 10 mins from home, though it's still not easy story for me.
I really hope I could be more smart so I could get escape from the work and stress of it,
and more wise so I could sort out challenges here.. so could be a Good mom. Good person.

10_CloverlyBeach

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life in Sydney..

 

At first, everything was harsh to me - different system, environment, inconvinient Transportation,
expensive prices, poor services in general..

In Korea, if I have 5$ I was able to get served a meal including rice/ main dish/ some side dishes/
water. In here, water costs me 3$ already, and I couldn't find main dish that costs only 5$.

In Korea, shop is open till late usually, so I could go shop after work and buy everything needed.
Here, shop closes at 5 or 6pm.

In Korea, I didn't worry about the transportation to home even around midnight.
Here, I should wait 1 hour for the bus, after 7:30pm.

In Korea, bank account open takes only 10 mins. Here, it takes 3 days with several visits + 1 hour interview.

In Korea, If I call for internet connection today, I could get it done in 2days. Here it takes 3~4 weeks.

In Korea, there's a map & voice information in any bus,subway. Here nothing, which makes the foreigner to be
in tough situation, as everytime when I was heading to the new place to me I had to ask the driver to inform me when we're there.

Besides that.. sometimes I had to face some people who doesn't like Asian people at all, so when I was unlucky
to meet a driver (who doesn't like Asian) at night after work, I couldn't even get answer for my question,
which made me very scared and nervous, as I didn't have idea on where am I now. Means, if I get off at
somewhere else, I have to wait for over 1 hour alone in very dark street (Night time in Austrailia is very
dark, and no people in the street).

So.. sometimes I cried. as I was scared at dark street with no idea where to go (I tried to call someone for help
but cell phone doesn't work very often here, if the weather is not good) / or I was hungry but short of money
(settling down took more money than I expected) / or I felt scared of surviving at foriegn country with
bad english, new job and new team, no family to help / or I missed my angel too much..

Luckily I could be still alive after those 6 weeks, so I could bring my angel here. To the new adventure, or challenge for her..
I appreciated her that she followed me to here, totally new and unfamiliar which she has only one person to rely on.
And I felt sorry that I forced her to make such choice which other kids don't need to think about as such.

 

*

As soon as we arrived in Sydney, it was the Year end season. I was hoping to get her to some interesting place
but I myself didn't have any idea and friends for a guide. She felt tired and boring, but didn't complain to me.
At the last day of 2009, I took her to the Harbour side to see the fireworks.

 

1_YearEnd2009_1

2_YearEnd2009_2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At 1st day of 2010, we were wandering around the city and could find a park, which is one of popular over here.

The park was relaxing and beautiful, and my angel also liked it as it has some statues for Gods of Greece she knows very well.

3_Park

4_Park2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My office is very near by several famouse spots here - Opera House, Botanic Garden, Sydney Tower etc.

We went to the Opera House. It was not that big as I expected, but I felt like I was in dream as I could never imagined
myself to be at Opera House in my life.

More dream story is, Seaana will play violin as a concert member this coming January.
Life is... such a dream story that we could never imagine. 

5_OperaHouse

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2022년 2월 22일 2시..

 

마음이 아프다.
몸도 아프고.. 눈도 아프고.. 머리도 아프고..
나는 아프다.

시간이 지나면 다 괜찮아질거라고 생각해본다.
이것밖에는 방법이 없다고도 생각해본다.
잘 한거라고.. 생각해본다.

조금만 지나면 아프지 않을거라고.

행복하고 좋았었던 만큼.. 그만큼을 모두 다 아픔으로 갚아야만.
끝낼 수 있는 일..

 

 

혼자 버스타고 집으로 가는 저녁.

 

서현이 친구와 엄마들과 만나 저녁을 먹다가 아빠들도 같이 불러서 삼겹살파티를 하게 됐다.
몇일전부터 몸살에 시달리던 나는 상태가 영 안 좋았지만, 서현이를 친구들과 놀게 해주기 위해서
결국 아침부터 저녁까지 있어야 했다.

그중 내가 젊고 이쁘다고 (물론 "그중"이지만) 항상 말씀해주시던 엄마가 있었는데, 그 아빠는
식사내내 아내가 아직도 소녀같고 이쁘다고 따뜻한 눈빛을 보냈는데, 그 엄마가 그렇게 부러울수가 없었다.
여자의 부러움을 사는 여자는...  이쁘거나 몸매가 좋거나 똑똑하거나 돈이 많은것도 있겠지만,
무엇보다도 그 옆에 같이 있는 남자의 사랑을 받는 여자라는 것을 다시 느꼈다...

좋아해주는 사람이 아무리 많으면/많았으면 뭐할까.. 당장 내옆에서 나를 사랑해주는 단 한사람이 중요한 건데..
나는 왜 그런 복이 없는 걸까. 
외모도 몸매도 평범해 보이는 저분은 도대체 나에게 없는 어떤 매력과 장점이 있는 걸까..

그리고 언제까지 나는 이런 생각을 하면서 살까. 상황을 바꾸던지.. 아니면 포기하고 무뎌지던지.. 해야 할텐데.
그래도 솔직히 아직도 난 잘 모르겠다.   나의 어떤 점이 부족해서,. 저런 사랑을 받지 못했던 걸까.

부럽다.

 

오늘은..

 

어떤 날은 웃고,

어떤 날은 마음이 저리고.

어떤 날은 따뜻하고,

어떤 날은 그립다..

 

어떤 날은 슬프고,

어떤 날은 무섭고.

어떤 날은 아무렇지도 않지만,

어떤 날은 운다...

괜찮아 ? 어떻게 지내..

 

친구가 어떻느냐고 물어봐서.. 내가 어떤지 생각해봤고...  대답했다.

완전히 눕지도 않고 서지도 않은..  한 45도정도로 서있는 오뚜기가 있다면.. 어떨거 같아?
난 서고 싶긴한데 설수 있는 상황은 아니고...  쓰러지긴 싫은데 땅은 날 자꾸 끌어당겨서,
한순간이라도 안간힘을 쓰지 않으면 바로 쓰러질것만 같은...  그런 기분이야. 항상.

그런데 이런말을 하면 친구들은 어떤말을 해야할지 너무 난감해하고 미안해해서,
그냥 또 웃고 장난을 치고. 그리고 돌아오면서 혼자 말을 했다.

이렇게 혼자서 버티고 있기가 너무 고달파. 쓰러지면 안된다고 생각하는데 가끔은 그냥 다 놓고 편하게 쓰러져버릴까
생각도 해.. 누가 잡아줬으면...  기댈수 있게 옆에 있어줬으면...
그런데 조금이라도 흔들리면, 의지하다 잘못되면 더 많이 쓰러질까봐...  그게 너무 두려워.

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그래서 더, 아무것도 느끼지 않으려고 바쁘게사는데, 가끔은 몸이 못버텨서 아프게 돼.
오늘도 아픈거 보여주기 싫어서 서현일 보내고 혼자 집에 앉아서 하늘을 봤는데......

세상에 정말 많은 색깔이 있구나...  정말 소리도 여러가지 소리가 들리는구나...  참 신기하다.

하고 싶었는데 하지 못한 말들.
보고 싶었는데 보지 못한 사람들.
내맘처럼 알아주지 않아서 속상하던 일들.
정말 아껴주고 싶었는데 잘해주지 못해서 미안한 사람들.

그런것들이 너무 슬프고 마음아파.  마음에 방탄조끼 같은거 있으면 입혀서, 아무것도 못느끼게...  하고 싶어.
사랑하지도 말고, 상처받지도 말고.
행복하지도 말고, 슬퍼하지도 말고.
외로와하지도 말고, 두려워하지도 말고.

내마음 보이지 말고, 다른 사람 마음을 보지도 말고...............  더 다치게될까봐 난 너무 무서워.

 

감당이 안되는건..

 

그만 둬 버리자.  놓아버리기 아깝게 달콤한 향기를 풍기더라도..

조금 달콤하지만, 아주 많이 쓰디 쓴 끝맛이라면 더 맛보고 싶지 않으니까.

겁쟁이라고 말하겠지만..  바보라고 하겠지만..

더 아프고 싶지 않은 걸 어떻게 해.  이악물고 견디는 것도 더 못하겠는데 어떻게 해..

 

 

KungFu Panda.

Some sentences hit my mind..

*  ' Heart is like a Lake. If it has wave, then cann't see exactly what is inside. '

*  ' Yesterday is a history.
     Tomorrow  is a mystery.
     Today is a gift.  That's why we call it as Present. '

*  ' There is no Accident. '

Midnight.

지치고 힘이 드는 날..

점심저녁을 거른채로 새벽2시까지 일을하고, 그때부터 열이 나는 서현이를 닦아주면서

새벽이 와버렸다. 온몸이 뜨거운 서현이를 보면서 일을 하러 갈 생각을 하니 아무리 낙관적인 나라도

짜증이 났다.

 

시간은 또 하루하루.. 이런저런 일들을 겪게하고.. 이런저런 사람들을 만나게 하면서

나를 웃게도 하고, 울게도 하고..

 

그냥 아무런 걱정도 생각도 없이 편하게 기대고 싶은 하루.. 내겐 그럴수 있는 사람이 있을 수 없다는 걸

또 한번 깨닫게 하는 하루.

오늘은 이렇게 그냥 살자. 힘들고 피곤한 채로.

좋은 날.. 편안한 날.. 있을 수 있겠지..

 

Hate the Silly candle..

The scenary around my office is something not ordinary these days - it's crowded by people and candles.
I used to attend those insistences, but this time I just pass by them in a hurry to bring Seaana to home,
or when I end up late around midnight I sometimes got hit by the water hose that police shot to people there randomly.
It's just.. little compliacted for me to see these things ..

At first, president Lee suddenly made a deal with such a silly condition (it's actually with "no" condition) and
it was the Livestock farmers who was upset, and they started to request some measures for them.
Lee's answer was so simple and foolish - he said "the imported beef would be cheaper than ours, so you could just
raise the price then rich people (who cares their healthy) will buy ours, and poor people will buy the imported one.
that's the rule of the Market".

But his comment made people angry (as it means, poor people have no choice for their health), so the citizen started to be gathered. Then Lee provided the 2nd comment for them - saying, it must be a manipulation of opposite parties, otherwise only immature student or people who are ignorant of.

His comment made people get more and more angry, and he ordered to quell the demonstration by force and send official letter to school that prohibit the student's participation.
His point of view and personality is such. So to say more exactrly, people is mad about him, rather than the beef itself.

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But for me.. I'm embarassed by People, not by Lee.  as I knew that's the kind of person he is.
There has been so many clues (bad and dirty) about him, but most people ignored those things and just believed
him as a savior of Korea so blindly. I was so diappointed and totally couldn't understand them, but he did win overwhelmingly.

His approval rating was over 60%, and it's now around 20%, decreased by 40% only after 3 months.. How could it be ?
People says they couldn't imagine that he would do such thing, but it was so obvious for me.
I hate him for sure (that time when it was hard to speak out that I don't like him, I was the one who did it),
but now I don't understand Korean, more than Lee.  What did they expect from such a man ?

No matter what they say, it was themselves that elected him as their President, ignoring ALL important informations
that predicted this situation very clearly. 

... Candle cannot fix/change any thing.  It's the "vote" that has those power, which they spent out in wrong way.